Top 5 Worst Movies 2016

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Five awful films of 2016 released in Malaysia

It’s that time of the year again where I list rank the worst films that I’ve seen. Thanks to years of experience and overly revealing trailers, I actually did very well avoiding bad movies this year. So well that I actually didn’t think I had enough to even make a fair enough top-5 list (it used to be top-10 until last year). Therefore I had to go searching for bad films and managed to watch two that went straight onto this list. Though I did ignore (most) cheap cash-grab horrors, unnecessary remakes and sequels of already bad first or/and second movie — namely Alice Through the Looking Glass, Allegiant, Inferno, Ben Hur, etc. They would’ve probably made the list but sorry, I’d rather torture myself watching other types of obviously terrible movies.

So here’s the criteria of this list: Only Hollywood, British, Hong Kong/Chinese, Korean and Japanese films released in Malaysia that I’ve seen were eligible to be listed (hence the absence of Collateral Beauty and shit like Hantu Rempit Kolestrol or whatever though I’d really would’ve loved to put them on my list). Ratings in my reviews don’t matter on my lists as those ratings were given based on genre. It’s a free-for-all here and hence why 1/5 could rank lower than 2/5 (lower as in further from no. 1).


5. Nine Lives

nine lives poster malaysiaHow in the world did Lex Luthor, Elektra, Firestorm and Christopher Walken get themselves into this crap?! And how did the film manage to turn out this bad in the hands of director Barry Sonnenfeld who did Man in Black (1997 – 2002)?! The film’s pretty much like Liar Liar (1997) and Shallow Hal (2001) with a mix of body-swapping-with-creature/animal concept. I didn’t expect it to be original but I was hoping that it’d be at least funny. But it’s not. It’s just mostly a CG cat doing annoying slapstick shit and the human characters are too stupid to realise how weird it’s being. Sonnenfeld must have been severely underpaid.

Two-time Oscar-winner Kevin Spacey (House of Cards, American Beauty, The Usual Suspects, Superman Returns) plays an egoistic business tycoon who’s turned into a cat and is forced to learn to appreciate his family. And at the end of it, it doesn’t seem like the character has truly changed. What the fuck is the point of this movie? I didn’t watch this at the cinema ’cause the trailers already indicate that’s not worthwhile but it somehow manages to not flop in the box office. All thanks to the appeal of the big name actors and people’s love for cats.

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4. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows

ninja turtles 2 movie poster malaysiaYes, I know I said I skipped sequels like this but there was once this year where my girlfriend and I were at the mall with nothing better to do and no other film else I haven’t seen. And somehow this one managed to find a way to be worse than its predecessor. Typical Michael Bay formula: CGI-fest, crappy plot, unintelligent humour, unengaging action sequences, slomo Megan Fox in skimpy outfits and big heroes vs. alien invasion showdown in New York City. The only campy fun I could get out from this boring-ass, try-hard cartoon-ish sequel was, again, Michaelangelo.

Although they listened to complaints and demands after the disastrous first instalment, Krang, Bebop and Rocksteady’s introductions were highly disappointing and Shredder’s practically still shit and where the fuck was his helmet?! The turtles’ personalities remain mostly faithful to the classic adaptations, but their fighting style and decision-making on the other hand… Even black cows crossing the street at night seem more ninja than these huge, loud, silly turtles. Oh right, I almost forgot, they learnt ninjitsu from a book Splinter found from the garbage in the sewers.

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3. The Legend of Tarzan

legend of tarzan poster malaysiaProbably the worst Tarzan film adaptation I have ever seen in my life. So dull, cliched and boring with many unimpressive slomo shots. It’s almost like a Zack Snyder attempt to turn Tarzan into a DC Justice League superhero. It’s such a mess that even the sequences of Tarzan swinging from vine to vine looks choppy, and not to mention the lack of long wide angle shots. The action scenes are nothing to shout about either. The CGI, well, it’s no Jungle Book (2016) or Planet of the Apes that’s for sure.

Ironically, Alexander Skarsgard’s (Zoolander films, True Blood) performance as Tarzan is not one of the problems of the film. He did all that he could, even shown hints of character complexity and depth, but too bad the film never properly explores it. Talents of Samuel L. Jackson (Django Unchained, Pulp Fiction) and Christoph Waltz (Inglourious Basterds, Django Unchained) were totally wasted as a sidekick comic relief and generic villain respectively. The only thing that kept me awake was Margot Robbie (as Jane), and when even that was beginning to fail, she got wet in her white top. Nicely played, David Yates. They should’ve just did an adaptation of the actual story instead of trying to be an original sequel with poorly executed flashbacks which results to zero emotional attachment to anything at all.

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2. Sadako vs. Kayako

sadako vs kayako the ring vs the grudge poster malaysiaI know I said I ignored cheap cash-grab horrors too, which this garbage totally is, but come one, how would any movie buff look away completely when they heard about such a crossover? Jumping onto the “versus” bandwagon of 2016, Sadako vs. Kayako is basically, or rather supposed to be, the clash between the main antagonists from horror classics Ringu (The Ring) vs. Ju On (The Grudge) but it’s done in the most laziest of ways from poor character development to silly cliched scares.

The two titular ghosts only meet and fight for like a few minutes at the very end and no clear winner is decided ’cause the producers have no fucking balls to do so. Before the final act, it’s pretty much a lousy, simplified rehash of the original respective films. This movie is the best example of gimmicky cash-fucking-grab with no heart to please the audience. Read full review >>

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1. Max Steel

max steel movie poster malaysiaBefore it was released, I posted its trailer and said it looks better than the upcoming Power Rangers remake’s. What a fucking idiot I was. Max Steel is what you get when you make superhero flick based on a toyline with terrible narratives, rushed pacing, zero originality, incontent tone, Twilight‘s perverted closeup face shots, amateurish editing and a protagonist who’s as wooden as Percy Jackson (2010).

The protagonist goes from moving in to a place to discovering he has powers for the first time to going to his new school to meeting a nice chick to talking to the predictable antagonist to questioning mum about his daddy issues — all in the first 20 minutes and yet it still feels fucking boring. It’s like watching a mild version of the first Guyver movie (1991). What in the world were the makers of this pile of shit thinking?! Max Steel is the only movie in 2016, or in recent years, that I didn’t bother to finish.

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Dishonourable Mentions

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Me Before You
Gods of Egypt
Blair Witch
Suicide Squad
Assassin’s Creed
Tenants Downstairs
Miss Peregrine’s Home for the Peculiar Children

Well that’s it, guys. If you have any movie released this year that you absolutely want me to consider putting onto this list, please do leave a comment below. As usual, my Top 5 Best Movies list will only come when it’s closer to the Oscars as no Malaysians would be able managed to watch all the great, award-hunting films until at least then. So stay tuned!

<< Top 5 Worst Movies 2015

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